9:25 PM// French? Sorry, we're out of that.

In my infinte wisdom, I've decided that the epitome of Frenchiness is to offer the following response to any first request: "No." May I have a baquette? No. I'd like one Leffe, please. We're all out of that kind of beer.

Last week I went to Paris for a few days for some cheese and wine. One in three waiters told me I couldn't have my first desire. If it wasn't pre-made, or if it took a bit more effort to prepare than any other menu item, it was unavailable. If it is a pre-made sandwich, don't ask for it sans tomatoes. But is this annoying? Insensitive? Rude? Hardly. On the contrary, I think it's rude for a customer to expect such treatment from a waiter or clerk. They are there to process a business exchange, not be your servant.

Waiters

What is the American obsession with French waiter rudeness? I've heard a few stories of truly rude French waiters, but I think it mostly stems from a cultural difference in which the French are being extraordinarily patient and attentive. With the American culture attitude of rush, rush, rush, we forget that there are some areas of the World that haven't forgotten how to savor a moment. French waiters take your order, bring your food, and then LEAVE YOU ALONE. Thank God. I hate being bothered every 36 seconds to see if I need more bread, tap water, or anything else. What a waste. If I need something, I'll ask for it, thank you. Constant nagging implies I'm being pushed to continue my meal. And why bring me the check before I'm ready to leave? How appalling; we call the French rude? Is there a more obviously rude message than "here's your bill, now please pay and get out so we can serve another party"?

To truly experience what a waiter should be, order a multicourse meal in France. In America, one may get an appetizer, but the main course is served when it's ready. How about you serve it when I'm ready? A good waiter waits until everyone's predinner aperitif is just above the bottom of the glass before serving the first course. Dinner out isn't supposed to simply replenish the body with fuel; it's an integral social event of society. Take your time; enjoy the company; savor the food and drink. When everyone slows down or pushes aside the first course, then take up the plates, decrumb the table, and lay new place settings (none of this "would you like to keep your fork, sir").

Most perceptions of French rudeness come from a misunderstanding of this no-rush attitude. Not checking up on a table every five seconds may be seen as rude by the Olive Garden frequenter, but French waiters are incredibly attentive. They are like sentinels, pacing through the restaurant or standing in a corner scanning the room. If you want something, it takes about 2.3 seconds to get the waiter's attention, who immediately comes rushing to your aide. But they never suggest you should alter the speed of your meal or should prepare to leave by offering the bill.

It's not just waiters, either. Store clerks watch closely but never presume to interfere unless signaled. Unlike the States, where you are assaulted with a barrage of "need anything? Can I offer assistance? Please?" moments after entering the store (think Best Buy). I've actually avoided aisles in Best Buy just so another employee won't ask me how he can best assist me. You can best assist me by staying out of my way while I browse. If I need to locate something specific, I'll ask; have no fear.

Food

Wow. I mean wow. No wonder they leave you in peace. I want to savor every moment of the freshest cheeses and best wines in the World. Coffee? No contest. They told me it would be good. Everything I'd heard was true. {Tear}.

Style

Well, it does seem that France has more than its share of gay men (or perhaps more are simply willing to admit it). But those that aren't gay are what an American would call "metrosexual". (One who embraces the stereotypical gay lifestyle including caring about fashion, personal hygiene, and hair product -- everything except sleeping with other men.) Wait just a moment. Fashion and personal hygiene are metrosexual? Looked down upon and made fun of by popular America? No wonder men can't figure out why they come home alone night after night. Disheveled hair, jeans and teeshirt, outdated shoes, bad breath, 3-day stubble. Who wouldn't go home with this prize? But Heaven forbid men try to dress nicely and comb their hair; they might make themselves gay!

I decided to take a break from museums for a day and humor my girlfriend by going shoe shopping in Paris one day. I wondered down to the men's section, and found, for the first time, that I could be excited about shopping for shoes. Incredible. Me. I only buy shoes once every two years. I had what she called "old man shoes". Comfortable, but lacking in any sense of style. Well, now I have stylish (and comfortable) shoes, and there are others I'd like to look for. Imagine that -- I actually want to go into shoe stores to look for a particular kind of shoe I saw other men wearing.

Anyway, you should go to France. It's awesome. Oh and there are some pretty moving pieces of art, too.